I've been a Christian since I was seven years old. Although more decades than I want to admit have passed since that monumental day, some things about the moment I met Jesus are burned in my memory… The sweltering gymnasium packed with people taking part in a small-town revival… My mother’s insistence that I didn't understand enough to respond to the altar call. Perhaps most vividly and oddly, I remember the camel-colored shoes of the preacher walking over, kneeling at my little-kid level, and leading me in prayer. With all that detail, you’d think that I'd remember what happened next, but I don't. That's where the memories leave me, but the impact of that single moment has shaped my trajectory more than any other life event to this day.

What God Starts He Finishes

While my journey with God began long ago, the road we’ve taken together has been filled with many twists and turns. Through it all, I’ve come to realize the truth of Philippians 1:6: what God starts, He always finishes, even if we fail miserably or walk away entirely. When a heart is truly given to Jesus—regardless of how long ago—then returning to Him is inevitable. It doesn’t happen through human effort, but entirely by His powerful and relentless pursuit. The Father always comes for His child. Always. (Matthew 18:12)

I Ran Away from God

While I never announced my intention to walk away from God, there was a season when I tried. Suffering from the fallout of a major life mistake often brings people to their worst selves, showing just how depraved humans are when intentionally trying to remove Jesus' covering of grace, mercy, and love. It is in these moments that God allows the experience of exactly how the prodigal son (Luke 15:11-32) felt sitting in the pigsty of his own doing. Sometimes, the mud of mistakes must run into our eyes before we’re ready to see Jesus standing before us with a basin of hot, soapy water, a big fluffy towel, and a radiant change of clothes.

Before my meticulously planned life came crashing down, I never missed daily quiet time with God. I never skipped a volunteer opportunity that suited my gifting. I most certainly attended church every week. In short, I had a deeply ingrained sense of duty to follow the “Christian formula.” I sought God's approval for doing everything He told me to do as perfectly as possible. But when things fell apart despite following the rules and checklists, I found myself bewildered, demotivated, and empty. Somewhere between age seven and young adulthood, I had fallen into the habit of performing for God rather than loving Him. I was seeking and serving Him out of duty, instead of desire. Rather than hungering for Him, I thought denying myself would please Him.

He Restored Me

Like the prodigal, God loved me too much to leave me wallowing in the pig pen of my own design. He came for me—gently, but relentlessly. Restoration, however, would not be easy or swift because of the heavy loads of guilt and shame continually slowing me down. Just as an accident victim must relearn how to walk, my spiritual legs were clueless on how to walk in faith without the shoes of legalism. For example, I realized that I didn’t even know how to pray, study the Bible, or worship purely out of a desire for God versus a deep-seated sense of obligation. For months, I tried following common spiritual practices and gave up in tears because I couldn't do anything without keeping track or feeling forced. Spiritual disciplines designed to draw me closer to God were pushing me away because of my own expectations and fear of breaking the rules.

Finally, out of desperation, I remember trying to pray and blurting out something like this to God: "If I can't pray because I want to... because I desire You and not because I want to please you or achieve some standard... then I'm not going to pray at all. I won't run from You, but I’m done trying to force myself. If You work a miracle in my heart and cause me to want You, then I will surrender. But if my only motivation is duty, then I won’t do it."

And then I stopped. Everything. If I didn't feel like reading the Bible, I didn't. If sleep beckoned me to linger in bed on a Sunday morning, I gave in. And praying? Very infrequent. At first, it seemed like nothing was happening. But my heart had changed, because, for the first time in many years, I woke up each day with a blank slate for God's use. I was daring Him to fill it, rather than going through the motions of a predefined list.

I Wanted to Want God

Satan waged a fierce battle to prevent me from understanding that God wants His children to experience delight without strings attached. I had to let go of the idea that there was anything I could offer or do for God, and instead let Him do everything through me and within me for His glory.

Also vital to my healing, I had to shed the notion that being happy was wrong. It took years for the idea to sink into my soul that God wants us to find so much delight and satisfaction in Him that we discover what genuine happiness is. We often believe that the absence of suffering is the path to overflowing happiness, but Jesus has been teaching me that happiness is having every desire of my heart fulfilled by Him and Him alone. When the desires of our hearts are fixed on finding satisfaction in God, then He replaces any that shouldn't be there with His desires for us. Psalm 37:4 became my heart cry—my anthem every morning. I began to pray that He would help me delight myself in Him and replace the desires of my heart with His.

I didn't stay away from having a daily quiet time with God for very long. The lover of my soul was faithful to woo me back. I've since learned that seeking satisfaction in God isn't just about avoiding sin or letting go of perfectionism, it’s also about choosing the best portion—making choices between what is good and what is His best for me. When we seek satisfaction just by being in God’s presence more than the "good" offerings of this world, the Holy Spirit guides us into deep joy and true freedom.

God desires a willing heart over and above any other sacrifice, act of service, or discipline that can be performed. None of that matters if our actions are motivated by anything other than unconditional love for Him. Maintaining key disciplines of the faith is the right thing to do for most people, and is often a crucial part of rekindling desire for God, even when we don’t feel like doing something. However, there is no one-size-fits-all when it comes to God's extravagant love. The Holy Spirit leads each of us in unique ways.

Our heavenly Father leaves no detail to chance and will stop at nothing to come get us and bring us home, regardless of where we are or where we’ve been. Rest in that truth today and know that you are loved for you, not what you do or don’t do.

Used with permission from Kim Stiver. Devotional excerpts from the article, “Why I Stopped Having a Daily Quiet Time — Temporarily,” on the spiritual growth blog, “Glimmers in the Fog.” Originally published at coreradiate.com